If you've ever wondered what goes on in your cats' heads, giggled through a Bunnicula book, or enjoyed the puns of Piers Anthony, you might like to meet the Outcats. Follow along as they explore the mysteries of the universe, usually from the comfort of home.
In “The Myth” the Outcats attempt to prove that mice are not a myth.
Available in pdf, mobi, and epub formats
Here's what people are saying (I’m a people.):
“It’s like Seinfeld with cats. There’s no plot, just a bunch of random events and jokes.” – J. Kirby
“I’m allergic to cats and just reading this made my throat swell shut.” – John K.
“I’m confused. So can the humans understand them or not?” – J. Paul Kirby
“I keep getting migraines every time I read one of those stories. Is there some connection?” – John P. Kirby
“For some reason there seems to be an overabundance of ‘Escape from New York’ and ‘Gilligan’s Island’ references in the stories.” – JP Kirby
“I laughed so hard I think I gave myself a hernia.” – JPK
Here's a little excerpt:
The trio walked to the four food bowls in the living room.
“Oh, they’re empty again,” Zeus complained. “We’re going to starve! This is worse than a dirty litter box.”
“They’re not empty,” Merlin corrected. “Look. Three of them are full to the brim. And that one is just under half full.”
Zeus stared blankly at Merlin. “Sooo… they’re empty,” he repeated.
“Well, I’m not going to stand for this,” announced Zeus. “I may be a coward, but I will not let my people starve! I’m going to protest.”
And with that, Zeus began an unremitting flow of meows. He stood by the “empty” bowls where Merlin and Cleo were happily eating and he meowed every three seconds. The same meow, over and over and over, until finally…
“Look! It worked. Here they come!” Zeus said triumphantly.
“You’ve done it again, Gilligan,” Merlin muttered, still eating.
Cleo popped her head up, crumbs dribbling and stuck to her chin hairs.
“Is it Mommy? Is it Mommy? Where’s my Mommy? Where’s my Mommy? Baby Girl loves her Mommy!”
She ran from her bowl to the sound of footsteps only to be splattered in the face by a stream of water. She skidded to a stop, started running in reverse, did a Rockford Turn, and continued running to the other side of the room where she promptly hid behind the couch.
“That’s not my Mommy!” she sputtered and wiped her face with a paw. “That’s Daddy with a water bottle.”
“Just keep your head down and mind your own business, Merlin,” he told himself as he continued eating.
Zeus waited patiently beside the empty bowl. Then he got a shot of water of his own. He ran and hid behind the same couch.
“Well, that wasn’t nice,” he said.
The bedroom door where the shots were fired slowly closed. They could hear footsteps inside fade and stop, followed by the creaking of the bed, and finally a groan.
“It’s just not in my nature not to get involved,” Merlin sighed. He walked briskly to the back of the couch and peered around the corner to check on the others. “You guys ok?”
“I’m wet, so no!” Cleo pouted. “It wasn’t even my fault this time. All I wanted was to see my Mommy.”
“It’s just a little water, Cleo,” Merlin told her. “You’ll be dry in a few minutes.”
“Easy for you to say. You didn’t even get sprayed.” Cleo continued wiping paws across her face in a vain attempt to dry herself, but her hair was too long.
“And I was just standing up for our rights with the humans. It’s their job to keep us fed,” Zeus piped in. He shook his head and flung off the water, which then landed on Cleo.
Cleo glowered at Zeus. “They weren’t empty.”
Merlin looked away. “It’s going to be a long day trying to keep these guys in line. Luckily the sun’s just about to come up and I feel the first of many naps coming on.”
“Ooh, anytime is naptime,” Zeus chimed in.
“That’s the first sensible thing you’ve ever said,” Cleo said.
Meet the Outcats:
Cats of Character/Cast of Characters:
(From left to right from the top)
Merlin: AKA Merle, Mer-Mer, Merwin. 5 years old. Male. Solid black shorthair other than a few scattered white hairs. Thick body, bordering on fat. The voice of reason of the group. Eats almost any human food. Special bond: Cleo and Zeus. Nemesis: None.
Zeus: AKA Bunny, Little Buddy. 6 years old. Male. Orange and white shorthair, bicolor. Small, thin body. The only declawed cat. The most timid. Not the fuzziest ball of the group. Does not eat human food. Prefers water from the tap. Special bond: Merlin. Nemesis: Gabby, Oreo.
Cleopatra: AKA Cleo, Baby Girl. 3 years old. Female. Cream-colored longhair. Thick and fat barrel-shaped body. Considers herself to be the cutest and Top Cat. Despises Gabby. Loves her Mommy. Eats anything. Special bond: Merlin. Nemesis: Gabby, Oreo.
Gabriella: AKA Gabby, Gabby Girl. Ancient and possibly immortal. Female. Medium-length tortoiseshell (dark gray/black, brown and orange). Very large body, fat. Talks incessantly, mostly conspiracies. Crabby. Eats most human food, but loves raw eggs. Special bond: No one. Nemesis: Cats.
Oreo: AKA Chewie. Two years old. Female. White-pawed calico tabby, shorthair. Small, thick body. Shy and skittish but curious: follows cats and humans and stares. Enjoys shredding phone charging cords and strings. Special bond: Bandit. Nemesis: Gabby, Zeus, Cleo.
Bandit: AKA Bad Merlin (BM). One year old. Male. Solid black shorthair. Small, thin body. Full of energy. Trills instead of meowing. Loves other cats. Considers humans a necessary evil. Eats some human foods. Special bond: Oreo. Nemesis: Gabby, humans.
3200 words (13 print pages)
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